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My Heart is Heavy

My heart is very heavy. I have a very strong sense and drive for fellowship with God and with my fellow man. Yet I continue to live each day without progress or doing anything about it. I can feel my body and the fragility of life as I contemplate God’s will for me. Am I doing enough to bring Him the glory He deserves? What is my measure in this life and the next? Am I happy with the amount of faith I have in Jesus and the unseen realm that has such an effect on our lives? Because of my allergies, it is difficult to breathe through my nose and it takes effort to draw in the air I need to allow my body to function. My eyes itch and sneezes come without warning to myself and the others around me. People are quick to say ‘bless you’.

God has been teaching me how to be content. Is someone able to be content within the realm of poverty? Why do I feel like life isn’t really going anywhere but as I stop the busyness of life to enjoy a child’s tennis match I feel discontentment with different areas of my life but still be completely content as I watch our family enjoy the day? Why then do I go home and wonder about my own relationship with God and what I can do to please him? I watched a video called 16 questions about heaven with Sean Mcdowell and Randy Alcorn. It was truly thought-provoking as one of the statements that Sean mentioned was about God’s perspective of measuring rewards compared to ours. They discussed how we live in a fallen world and everything in our world has been corrupted. They also discussed relationships with those that have played a part in our pursuit of God and Salvation through Jesus Christ. What changes am I making to increase my knowledge or understanding of the Word of God and or the status of my relationship with God? I pray that God will bring more godly men into my life that are not superficial but have a core of truth about them. Men who are willing to be vulnerable because as we share our weaknesses then they no longer are a weakness but a strength.

I have moved from job to job for many reasons. Mostly it is because I do not agree with management. I have pursued management for most of my career outside of the military. My previous employer ran a circus instead of a business in my opinion and it just was too stressful for me to deal with any longer. Why do I try to achieve those positions if I seem to fall short? Is it something I am doing wrong or is it God testing me in a manner or in a way I do not recognize? I know a little bit about tests and spiritual battles as I have grown from my former passions of the flesh. Once Satan lost me in the area of pornography he quickly challenged me in my personal faith in Jesus Christ. He challenged my identity in which I call myself a child of God. Satan lost control of me in a certain area of my life and felt it fitting to try a different tactic. God allowed this to happen so that I may grow properly in the faith that is now shaping the way I see life. I thank God so much for the opportunity to have free will so that I can choose God almighty over and over again. I was weak when it came to temptations because it was a way of life for me. It was my coping mechanism for the hard reality that life in this world is not easy. When I came to know Jesus Christ through a divine interaction in which the Holy Spirit fell on me and my physical response was just. I fell to my knees in the presence of God and wept. I wept while God cleared my conscience and heart of my sin. It was a very real physical and spiritual event in my life. Temptation still comes with those thoughts of sexual immorality. I do not give those arrows of lust any thought as I am now able to take each thought captive. I am living a life that God intended for me which is to stay pure for His name's sake. This has also echoed in my life to my wife and my children as they see me be less angry and irritable towards them.

I crave relationships but I am at peace in my heart. I have a healthy appetite for God’s Word and for godly relationships in my life. I have many faults in my life that God is pointing out and it is difficult sometimes to let go and to let God. I can honestly say that I am enjoying life better now than ever before. I am happier now in the job I am in only getting paid $14 an hour than I was with all the strife that came with $25 per hour. God is the source of my well-being and I will continue to trust Him fully. I enjoy journaling and I want to see where this goes. I want to open up my life and my heart to the world to get a different perspective on some insights that we as men go through in life. Thank you God for this opportunity and I give you all praise, glory, and honor. Please use my journal to help those in need. Amen


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I am a son of God first, a husband to a beautiful wife named Amy second, and a father of three teenagers and an adult child. My goal is to bring spiritual truths to life while building a judge-free zone community for the brokenness in men walking with the Word of God as their guide in life.

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